If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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