dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
