so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
