TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
