I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My vagina just clenched in fear
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize