Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
