I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
