Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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