Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
