so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
