pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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