Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
