I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
