I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hippo gnu deer
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
