ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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