Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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