so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
