Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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