you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
