that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
