Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
