I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
