so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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