When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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