My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
