why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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