i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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