next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
