I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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