Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
