i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
50% drunk capacity currently
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
