Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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