The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
