he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
