I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
