Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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