hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
