Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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