I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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