my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
