apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
where does the pee come out of this thing
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
