I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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