Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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