Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
