can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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