We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
