I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
