I bet he comes in French.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
