My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i think i just lost a toe
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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