i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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