so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
