I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
from now on my penis is your penis
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
