So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
