Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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