Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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