I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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