Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
