She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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