dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
