Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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