Just cropdusted the office
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
